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The Art Of DEPTH
Dialogue
The ART of DEPTH
Dialogue precedes and supersedes all method and
technique. Technique is just the means. The art gives us the necessary
conditions for real dialogue to occur, and it will not occur without
putting into practice the guidelines that follow. Technique has to be
couched in this through and through, and at every step along the way.
This is sort of like learning to play music with real feeling beyond
technique. Technique is necessary but it is not music. The following
guidelines help to go beyond technique. But, also like playing music,
only real feeling from inside will make it an art.
1. It is a real
relationship, a real friendship
a. you must start by establishing rapport, trust,
mutual sharing
b. share yourself and feelings - connect personally
c. be yourself - speak your own truth from inside
yourself
d. show them that you trust the them and the process
e. really listen (see point # 3)
f. keep the relationship in the foreground before
everything else
2. It is always
conversational
a. relaxed and easy, not formal
b. mutual sharing and exploration, not applying
method or technique
c. open-ended, free-flowing exchange between the two
of you
e. no leading, no teaching, no advising, no
dominating, no control
f. communicate in feeling-filled word pictures that
evoke real experiencing
- not in abstract concepts or
generalizations
3. Listen carefully
and deeply
a. listen with your whole being, empathically and
with full feeling
b. deep listening means loving deep attention - on
THEM, not on you
c. listen for their inner truth (true feelings,
loves, desires, values, etc.)
e. encourage them to express their truth
- and then let them know your
really heard them
4. Establish an
atmosphere of safeness, respect and support
a. respect and bolster their own self-perceived
identity
- let them know they will not be
personally attacked
- let them know they are
respected and supported for who they are
- don't let your idea or image of
them impose itself on them
b. show respect and support for important identity
factors, including:
1) survival concerns, boundary
concerns
2) control and self-determination
of self and destiny
3) recognition, acknowledgment,
being truly seen and heard
4) dignity, respect,
self-determination of feelings, values, beliefs,
etc.
5) competency, effectiveness,
self-worth
c. recognize, acknowledge and respect their values
- let them know they are
emotionally safe
- let them know their
feelings and values are not threatened
- this
includes what they care about and what is important
to them
- (you don't have to agree with
them, just respect and support
them)
5. Return to
safeness
if it is lost or seems threatened
a. constantly be alert for signs that they feel
unsafe
1) they become violent,
defensive, belligerent
2) they become silent, withdrawn,
withholding, etc.
b. ways to return to safeness
1) apologize (but only if you
clearly violated respect)
2) compare and contrast
differences
- to clear up
misunderstandings of motives and intentions
- as an
alternative to conflict and arguing
3) seek mutual, higher or more
encompassing purpose
4) distinguish between
demands/strategies and purpose/desire/need
- then focus
on the latter
- the look for
new strategies to fit the purpose, etc.
5) encourage them to speak their
truth/tell their story
(a) just
ask/invite them to tell you
(b) reflect
emotions you see in them back to them
(c) paraphrase
what they said - for understanding
(d) offer a
guess/intuition about what they think or feel
c. deliberately address any of the safeness items in
#4.
6. Bring the
conversation to mutual exploration
a. be curious and interested - and encourage that in
them
b. set up an imaginary mutual third-person detached
observer position
- for a mutual ideal for truth
outside of either of you
- depersonalizes the focus (but
makes the relationship closer)
c. follow this in mutual exploration toward truth
d. no goal-orientation, just exploration
7. Get and stay
focused on what is really important
a. what is really important for the person
b. what is really important in the dialogue process
c. focus on the person's real inner truth
e. focus on DEPTH Dialogue's angle of approach into
experiencing
f. make sure you both emotionally engage in and care
about the focus
g. don't get hung up on any particular experience,
position, etc.
h. don't get hung up on words, definitions,
concepts, etc.
8. Get everything
out
in the open
a. explore the whole experience, the "whole picture"
- all feelings, emotions,
thoughts, sensations, etc. etc.
- everything that is important or
emotionally charged especially
b. open up and spread out experiences in detail
c. not restrictions on what to look into - don't
avoid anything
d. no secrets about self, the DEPTH Dialogue
process, or anything
9. Focus mainly on
process - process is the main thing
a. guide the process - let content focus be secondary
b. no content input from you
c. no leading, advice, persuading, influencing, etc.
d. no agenda or personal intentions of any kind
- DEPTH Dialogue has no goals
- inner experiencing has no goals
- inner creativity is newness,
not old ideas
e. no opinions, beliefs, judgments, etc. from you
f. focus on and encourage real experiencing
- not conjectures, theories,
"problems", "issues", etc.
g. don't characterize or generalize people,
experiences, positions, etc.
- instead of this, explore them
(see point # 6)
h. focus on interests, feelings, desires, etc. not
on positions
- translate objections,
oppositions, conflicts, etc. into concerns or contrasts
- then explore
them rather than arguing about them
10. Have patience
a. have no goal or predetermined outcome of any kind
in mind
b. don't expect particular specific results
c. don't expect immediate results
d. no attachment to outcome - just stay in the
process
f. no short-cutting by giving advice,
interpretations, "readings" etc.
11. Monitor your
impact on them and on yourself
a. especially on their feelings of safeness
b. where you are focused relative to process vs.
content
c. stay centered in your own inner truth
- explore their experiences with
them but don't get hooked into
them
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